119 replies to this topic

[Dirty Dan]

CODE WORD FOR SEX

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[Adoration II]

wats the diffrence between a fridge and a woman a fridge doesn fart wen u take meat out

[Dirty Dan]

Q: What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you've finished on the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to stick your bone in!

[markh]

[johntar tt10]

Guy is out for a walk along the cliffs one day when he stops at viewpoint where a lovely leggy blonde is sitting crying on the bench.
"Whats wrong my dear?" he asks her.......
"I think I am going to commit suicide" she answers....
"Oh no, why don't you give me a BJ and see if that changes your mind".......
She gets down and gives him the best ever BJ he has ever had....
After he sits beside her and tells her....
"That was some BJ, what a waste to the world would you not reconsider and be my girlfriend" he pleads......
"Oh I do not know what to do now, you are so handsome and I loved giving you the BJ"
she says "but my parents just can't accept me dressing as a girl"............

[paul h]

Wife comes home early and catches hubby havin a wank in the kitchen.she rushes over and gives him the best bj of his life

After he ask "we havent had sex in 6 months and suddenly this !! why  ?

She answers   " ive just washed the floor this morning   .. id rather brush my teeth clean than the fucxxin floor again "

[Hooked]

Nice one Paul, one criticism though, that one ought to go in "Top Tips" lol!!!

[3762dazzer]

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

[3762dazzer]

For the scientifically minded.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

[homeward bound]

GOT STOPPED BY THE TRAFFIC  POLICE, THE POLICEWOMAN SAID I THINK YOU HAVE BEEN DRINKING AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO WALK ALONG THE WHITE LINE ON THE ROAD.  YOU ARE  STAGGERING  SHE SAID,  THANKS VERY MUCH YOUR NO BAD LOOKING YOURSELF!!!!

[johntar tt10]

Code Word for Sex, Dan deserves a cokynut for that one, 10 out of 10.

[Dirty Dan]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument   about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

[Dirty Dan]

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

[Hooked]

Quote

Code Word for Sex, Dan deserves a cokynut for that one, 10 out of 10.

Dan, i'd be worried mate, cover your sherrifs badge,  John obviously felt the need to TYPE to you! 

[Dirty Dan]

My tea towl holder is an EXIT only Paul. It Certaintly wouldnt take a cokynut!!! 

[3762dazzer]

Another for the engineers out there

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

[Dirty Dan]

Jordan walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his dongle, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

[Dirty Dan]

An Israeli doctor said " medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks". German doctor said "Thats nothing, we can take a lung from one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks". The English doctor said "Hah, we can take an aershole from scotland, put him in 10 Downing street, and have half the country looking for work within 24 hours"!!

[Dirty Dan]

Nice pussy Dazzer, some whiskas on her

[Adoration II]

great start 2the day reading ur jokes pmsl lol

[Dirty Dan]

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

[Dirty Dan]

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

[quiet waters]

you really need to stop watching those roy chubby brown videos, how do i know? i was behind you in the queue at HMV

as for the arsehole from scotland? to which do you refer? brown, blair, maybe alec douglas hume, or maybe winston churchill? MP for dundee in his day!!!!

[young ronnie]

At the moment Dirty Dan they are conducting tests with liquid Viagra where everyone gets to pour themselves a stiff drink.

[Martin Johns]

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to f*ck it if I can figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

[Martin Johns]

QW says to Rickie, "My dug watches all the games. When Rangers win it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it somersaults."
"Yer Kiddin me right? How many somersaults?" asks Rickie.
"depends how often I kick it..."replies QW

[Martin Johns]

MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

[Martin Johns]

There was once a fanatical Celtic fan who thought of nothing but football all day long. He talked about football, read about football, watched nothing but football on television and attended Celtic games as often as he possibly could. At last his poor wife could. stand it no longer. One night she said, 'I honestly believe you love Celtic more than you love me!'

'Bloody hell,' said the fan, 'I love Rangers more than I love you!'

[wbeedie]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was bornwithout torso, arms or legs. Theson is just a head! But the dad loves his son
and raises him as well as he can,with love and compassion.

*
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him
to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest,
strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously
and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

*
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into
whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'

*
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!!
Two arms pop out.

*
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!'The bartender ignores
the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.


*
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,grabs
his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


*
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands
upon his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through
the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly
The bar falls silent.



*

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,





(Wait for it)

*



(it's coming)




(Ya ready?)



*

*







(Don't hate me)

*



(Yer gonna hate me)



*



*



(Take a deep breath)



*

'He should've quit while he was a head

[johntar tt10]

Tesco have installed a new medical diagnostic Machine in their stores
that for £5 and a urine sample will diagnose any condition.

Jim went with his urine sample as he had a sore arm, paid his £5 and got a printout which said..........
"You have tennis elbow. Soak in warm water and avoid heavy lifting for 2 weeks"

Very impressed and having nothing to do for two weeks Jim wondered if he could fool the Machine...
He mixed tap water with dog poo,
Urine samples from his wife and daughter,
Then done a hand job into the mixture........

When he went to the Machine, used his mixture sample and paid his £5 the printout read............

1) Your tapwater is too hard, recommend you use softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm, recommend antibiotics.

3) Your daughter is on cocaine, recommend rehab.

4)Your wife is pregnant with twins, not yours, recommend you get a lawyer.

5) If you keep wanking youself your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping with Tesco