119 replies to this topic

[Martin Johns]

A sandwich and a banana walk into a bar. They go up to the barman and say, "Bartender, get us each a beer!"

The barman turns to them and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve food here"

[young ronnie]

A man goes to Hell and the first thing he sees are tables loaded with bottles of all kind of drink and beautiful naked women running about everywhere. "This is the place for me " he thinks,and proceeds to lift a bottle up to his mouth for a swig.Nothing comes out,as the end of the bottle is blanked off.He sees the Devil standing there and says to him "what's going on here mate,the bottles have nae holes in them"  "It's a feckin' sight worse than that" says the Devil,"Neither have the women"

[sam]

I went home with a lass the other night having met her for the first time. While at her house, I noticed a picture of a man on the wall. Getting worried, I asked "Is that your husband?".
"No" she answered.
"Boyfriend?" I asked
"No" she answered again.
"Well who is it then?"
"It's me before the operation" she replied.

True story if you wanna believe it.

[johntar tt10]

A Jewish girl phones her mum crying............
"I am getting a divorce Mum" she tells her.......
"Oh Vey, a divorce why a divorce" mum asks..
"All he wants is Anal sex Mummy, all the time Anal sex.
I used to have a lovely little button hole the size of a 5 pence now its like a 50 pence" she cries....
Mum says, "Sweetie Darling you have a lovely home, a porche, a platinum credit card  and
4 foreign holidays a year and you want to give this all up for the sake of 45 pence" Oh Vey Oh Vey..................

[3762dazzer]

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

[3762dazzer]

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

[3762dazzer]

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

[brixhamrfc]

Polar bear walks into a pub and asks for a pint of .......................................................................bitter.
Sure says the barman, but why the big pause

[brixhamrfc]

Again , not a joke as such, but a Youtube offering as before.....check out "Langdons Helicopter Ride " to see what local Trawler Owner gets up to !!!
http://uk.youtube.co...h?v=eBhsuACbr0s

[Adoration II]

In the inverness job centre a man sees a vacancy 4 a gynaecologists assistant. He asks 4 details & is thrilled 2 learn that his duties are 2 prepare the ladies as follows 1) remove underwear 2)wash & shave the ladies nether regions 3)massage oil on shaved areas. Salary is £55.000 per annum he is told 2 go 2 plymouth. Oh why is that where the jobs based he asks ? No thats where the feckin queue ends!

[restlesswave]

a japanese business man is at the bureau de change at heathrow airport.complaining bitterly about the exchange rates and demanding an explanation-the wee cashier who was working from the neck down shrugged her shoulders and said simply-fluctuations-the jap shouted back-WELL FLUCK YOU BLITISH TOO!

[Dirty Dan]

I was in the pub last night and a bloke came up to me and offered me some Vennicen for £10 1lb,

Thought that was a little deer myself!!

[homeward bound]

JAPANESE JOYRIDER   TOMMY NIKAMOTA

[Barry McCrindle]

The  future of nursery rhyme


It's  Raining, It's Pouring
Oh sh!t, it's Global  Warming.



Jack and  Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties. 
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got  diabetes.


. 
Mary had a  little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to  school with her
Between two chunks of  bread.


Mary had a  little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up  its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon. 



Georgie  Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry. 
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too  cause he was gay.



Jack and  Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing. 
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of  his teeth are missing.



Mary had a  little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it  caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.   
   
   

[young ronnie]

Jack and Jill went up the hill,Jack went lo lick Jill's f,anny
Oh what a shock..a mouthful of c**k,Jill was a bloody tranny

[3762dazzer]

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

[Adoration II]

c who can ansa this where am i from i sleep with my cousin but im married 2my second cousin lol

[quiet waters]

hey diddle diddle, the snecks on the fiddle

when irish boats land in the toon

the toon boats dont laugh, when they see irish crafts

cos theres naw a prawn left in the soon

[quiet waters]

jack sprat would eat no fat

his wife's weight wiz obcene

he wired her jaws, till her her weight had dropped

to nine stone, fae nineteen!!!

[3762dazzer]

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.

[quiet waters]

mary had a wrinkled clam

its hair was white as snow

he knows its wrong, but jeck jumped on

where no sane man would go

[Hooked]

A handsome Paddy met a fine lass in a night club and invited her back to his place for a shag

“I’d love to she screamed but I can’t I’ve got my menstrual cycle”

“Jeees, no worries, I’ll give you a lift on me scooter”

[restlesswave]

jack an jill went up the hill for a bit of hanky panky,jill came down with half a crown,jack must have been a yankee.

[wbeedie]

Mary had a little lamb
She tied it to a pylon
10000 volts shot up its erse
And turned its wool ti nylon

[wbeedie]

Sellic in Europe efter XMAS  QW will be chuffed wi this result lol

[quiet waters]

you beat me to it, i lost count of the number of times the commentators said "two offside goals" if your going to be commentating on televised football i think a basic understanding of the offside rule would come in handy, they seem to all forget that being level with a defender doesn't mean your offside, the first goal was debatable and might have been a foot offside the second berbatov if he was offside which he wasn't, having your head behind the line of the last defender doesn't make you offside, apart from that the active rule comes in to play when the freekick is taken, their at it again right now, utter crap, if it had been the other way round they wouldn't even be mentioning it, by the time berbatov became active the last man to touch the ball was the goalie, most so called experts think this doesn't count but it does, borac played him on and a defender was back goalside before berbatov became active thus he was onside, its a stupid rule, but thems the rules, officials don't even know how to interpretate the rules, hence rooney got one chalked off when he was clearly at worst level with the last man. we won we won we won, ha ha ha.

sorry, this is meant to be a joke page, the joke is why do the likes of caldwell get a game at international level, hartley too, they are rubbish, plus the one trick pony mcgeady was shown for what he is, that'll be a joke for january cos he thinks he's up to playing in the premiership, ok for hull or wigan, but like his predecessots maloney and mcfadden, just not up to it, its a whole different ball game playing with the big boys as miller and barry ferguson found out too, the way you judge them is would they get a game for the big four, answer? no!!! saqying that i still have a droll notion that playing in a good team with class players around him chris burke of rangers would be world class, so would boyd, lazy bugger but he'd score goals at any level, i'd pay to see burke in a man utd shirt, the fact he doesn't fit into the rangers setup is down to injuries and whatever illness he has, he's throwing up after halff an hour, got to be a medical reason for that?

doesn't matter anyway my buddy edger is on noo, haven't spoken to him in months, maybe him and jonah are hiding somewhere#?

[wbeedie]

throwing up efter half an hour got to be the 15 pints and dodgy chinky the nicht afore lol

[quiet waters]

its something alright, tge young fla was reminding me that micheal stewart had the same thing, ruined his career for a while, he was very impressive when a boy at man utd, used to watvh him play for youth team, rangers passed up on him and he didn't fit in at hearts, now he's at hibs, i'd play him in a scotland team but he fell out with the SFA after getting sent off for under 21's, he had a similiar thing, 30 mis and he was done.

something bothering me about the wee man that got the new ears? i was wondering what happened if he ever used those wee electric things for ear hairs, if he used it long enough did his nose run?

heres a site you might like it was sent to me by a guy in corby who i keep in touch with from another site than banned me

http://www.punknews....utetojohnnycash

[Dirty Dan]

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

[Dirty Dan]

BAD NEWS

A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up. He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can't tell which is which.

He finally narrows it down to two charts and he decides to call her house. Mr.Smith answers the phone."Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease, I don't know which.

"Well, what should I do?" asks a distraught Mr. Smith.

"Drop her off at the edge of town," says the doctor, "and if she finds her way back,
DON'T F*** HER!"