119 replies to this topic

[Barry McCrindle]

Week 2 begins, carry on gents.......

[young ronnie]

The joke of the week ??...well,two actually....Gordon Broon and Alistair Darling.

[young ronnie]

Third joke of the week ??.....Gents ??

[3762dazzer]

My first for week two then

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted :

[young ronnie]

Was he kicked in the nuts ??

[3762dazzer]

No idea but staying on the pub theme

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 

[quiet waters]

could have been worse, they could have ended up getting roasted !!

crushed nuts? no, its just the way i'm sitting!!

[markh]

Quote

The joke of the week ??...well,two actually....Gordon Broon and Alistair Darling.

you forgot peter mandelson

[young ronnie]

As a follow on to QW's comment...A man walks very slowly and painfully up to an ice cream van and asks for a cone. As the lassie scoops up the ice cream she asks "crushed nuts"....."naw" says yer man, "piles"

[quiet waters]

as long as it wisna the "gie us a swatch at yerfanny" line, wae a coupon like yon i widna want tae see any merr

[young ronnie]

For somebody that disnae touch a drop,ye've got a severe case of the "DTs" have ye no ??   !!!!

[restlesswave]

a piece of string walks into a bar and the string says-whaddya think i`m a piece of string. sometime later another walks in and the bar man asks again and is stung by the obvious sarcastic reply. later again a very dishevelled and ravelled piece of string comes in and the bar man says-don`t tell me-your a piece of string to which it replies-NO,I`M AFRAID NOT.......

[wbeedie]

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1, 2008


Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes, Versace dresses and carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

[wbeedie]

AT A PARTY  !!!!!!!!
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started
working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also
my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and
then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so
rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied
in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he
started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all
the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were
talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our
sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a
disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His
birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful
30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the
line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.  !!!!!!

[young ronnie]

At a temperature of minus 500 degrees celsius Hell will freeze over........and Scotland will support England in the World Cup.

[young ronnie]

What do you call a woman with one leg......Eileen.

[quiet waters]

HEY MR. MARR, DID YOUR WIFE NAW TELL YOU THEY LIDL CRACKERS ARE FOR CHRISTMAS?

i'm hiding, so i have to type very quietly, theres four females upstairs dismantling a bed, i gave them allen keys, screwdrivers and a drill and told them don't throw anything away, theres a box for all nuts,bolts and screws and just stack all the wood in a neat pile, i'll put it in the shed later, you can never have enough bits of awkward shaped lengths of wood.

four women, a bed and powertools and i can't think of one decent punchline?

[Dirty Dan]

Whats a lesbians bed made from???

Tounge and groove

Im not for one minute sugesting QW you have a room full of lesbians upstairs

[Hooked]

I've just come back from a cruise on P & O's Arcadia - I only went for the Crack   

[Dirty Dan]

Just seen the news Paul, Ive worked your joke out now I feel a right Dope. I had a sniff it would of been something like that!

[johntar tt10]

Two gays, Peter and Rupert, are lying in bed......
"Wot you doing there Rupert" asks Peter.......
"I am rubbing vaseline on my chest Peter" answers Rupert...
"Wot the feck are you doing that for Rupert" says Peter....
"Well Peter think some hair would be so sexy" Rupert answers......
"Who the feck told you that Rupert" asks Peter............
"Read it in a Gay Mag that if you rub vaseline it helps encourage hair growth and makes you more Macho Peter" says Rupert,
"Don't be so feckin stupid Rupert, if that were the case I would have a feckin pony tail sticking out my erse" !!!!!!!

[3762dazzer]

Sad news 

The bloke who wrote the song the Hokey Cokey died recently

Apparently everthing was going well at the undertakers laying him to rest until they put his left leg in!!!!!!!

[Adoration II]

Jim & Edna are mental patients. One day Jim jumps in the pool & stays on the bottom. Edna dives in & saves him. The Manager calls Edna into his office & says "I've got some good news & some bad news. The good news is we're releasing you, as you're obviously  sane saving another's life.  The bad news is Jim hanged himself in the bathroom. "No" Edna said "thats where I put him to dry!

[restlesswave]

mr browns wife has been missing for 3 days when he gets a knock on the door-it`s the polis. mr brown we have just had a call from our colleagues in the coastguard and they have very bad news. good news and very good news, well mr brown says what`s the bad news?-your wifes body has just been found in the harbour. and what`s the good news? when they lifted her there was 2 good lobsters and 5 brown crabs attatched to her. and what`s the really good news?- the boys in the coastguard are going to haul her again in the morning.......

[3762dazzer]

If I had four lesbians upstairs the last thing I'd be doing is typing quietly downstairs.

Not that I'm suggesting that Morris had a house full of lesbians either

[Martin Johns]

Quote

At a temperature of minus 500 degrees celsius Hell will freeze over........and Scotland will support England in the World Cup.

Ronnie, shouldn't that last bit read Scotland will reach the World cup finals, or is that just far fetched even for a joke ! 

[young ronnie]

Scotland couldnae BRIBE their way to a World Cup final Ffarquar,never mind play their way...couldnae kick their ain arses yon lot lol...P.S. my Great Granny was English....but we dinnae talk aboot that in oor family !!!

[Martin Johns]

Sorry to hear aboot your Great Granny, Glad I'm not English either 

[Martin Johns]

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac ?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

[young ronnie]

Ach there's a lot worse things than an Englishman....two Englishmen for instance  lol